Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
