I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
