Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
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Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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