I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.