i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
