If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
