I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
