Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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