what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
