genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
