At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
