I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
