she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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