Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
