filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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