She's JV to your varsity
I'm jealous of your bromance
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
