I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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