You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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