I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
