i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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