I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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