when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
