There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
