Your dad touched me again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
