my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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