if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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