i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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