I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
