I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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