I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
