I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
