I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
