On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I could make wine with my vomit
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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