Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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