I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
