So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
