she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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