apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
