I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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