Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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