I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
