Whod you bang
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
