im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
