Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
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I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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