I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
