What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
