I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
