Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
