I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
