I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
