We're facebook friends in real life
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
