She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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