and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
