The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
