he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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