My balls are so social today.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nobody cheats on THIS.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
