i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
