I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
