tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
God I need to hump something, right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
