I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
