my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
